(no subject)

I wish I could be one of those happy, go-get-'em people, but it's hard to keep your room clean when there are so many good books to read, and my Awesomely Amazing Novel has yet to be written. I'm not a big fat barrel of happy. I want to get out and meet people, but I think I'm just attracted to the wrong types. There's someone at work I've given a ride home a few times, and we chatted, and it was great as long as it stayed light. But like, the second time I was alone with him it was all "I was beaten everyday until I was seventeen." Which is horrible, don't get me wrong, and I'm sure that eventually I wouldn't mind this information. But dropping this kind of emotional load on someone so immediately is like asking someone to fuck on the first date. I want a new friend or two, someone to hang out with. I don't want to be anyone's therapist. I have enough issues of my own. And I do my best not to dump them on anyone. Although, to be fair, they don't really compare to getting smacked around. They're more a string of frustrations than actual problems. Maybe he needs someone to dump to. I always used to pride myself on being an open ear, but I'm sick of it. Because I'd generally get talked to as I was getting walked on.

I just got myspace friended from my big high school heartbreak. We started talking again, over a year ago now, and then suddenly his phone got disconnected. I'm a little surprised he's still alive, but not unpleasently so. He's one of those people I knew was bad for me, but didn't care. I won't say I loved him, but I liked him enough that sometimes my ability to reason around him shut down. It looks like he's gained some weight, which is good, because it probably means he's off the coke. The giant pot leaf gracing his "about me" section is a little discouraging, though. I really know how to pick them. And people wonder why I don't date. Looking back, I've got at least one drug addict, one gay man, one suicide. I'm bad at dating anyways, I don't like making myself vulnerable. I hopped on OKCupid and started talking to one guy who seemed nice, but he was a downer. Which is exactly what I want to avoid. You know, the "I'm okay. At least it can't get any worse." types. And then he asked me my next day off, which I didn't answer, because the actual answer was "two weeks from Sunday, but I've got plans. And then two weeks from that Sunday is free, but I don't want to see you." He just messaged me again after my long silence with, "Are you going to answer my question? I was just asking to ask." Uh... kay. Weird question just for the sake of curiousity. I just... No more of the clinically depressed. I get a whiff on depression and I run away screaming. I need to go out and meet someone in person. I wish I still lived in Dover.